CHAPTER 1
Adaptation of the novel "The Golden Calf" by Ilf and Petrov.
In Kandeyka, MATFYEY (Kitty), Pop Fedor, HACKER, and CARETAKER Tikhon are sitting at the table, drinking. ISAAC enters. Everyone turns and freezes in anticipation, with blank faces..
ISAAC
What's up, homeless guys, missed me?
MATFYEY
I did not.
ISAAC
Well, you clearly did. Vex bewitched us with his mother-in-law. And she just screwed us over, in your face.
CARETAKER
And I'm glad! Now, at least I won't have to listen to your whining. ISAAC is in charge again and will come up with something. Right?
ISAAC
How to say?!
CARETAKER
Otherwise, why did you come to me?
ISAAC
Rightly said, Tikhon. To you, and not to these noobs who settled here for free, like orphans in a shelter. Why are they even hanging out here? Is this some kind of club for anonymous losers? Do they even pay you for accommodation?
CARETAKER
No, they even eat at my expense for now. Well, except for HACKER. He at least helps sweep the yards in the morning.
MATFYEY
Tikhon, we had an agreement that as soon as I get back on my feet, I'll give you everything?
ISAAC
And what did the priest promise you, a ticket to Heaven?
PRIEST FEDOR
Do not blaspheme, Satan!
ISAAC
Whose cow is mooing now? Have you redeemed your cross, holy man? Take an example from HACKER. He keeps silent and seems smarter.
CARETAKER
ISAAC, forgive me, but HACKER is mine.
ISAAC
Of course, Tikhon. What are you talking about? You owe, not your vassal.
ISAAC walks up to the table like a boss, pushes Pop Fedor off the chair, and sits down. He props his feet up on the corner of the table, like an American.
ISAAC (CONTINUED)
Well, gentlemen comrades, do you want to make some easy money? Then listen and don't interrupt. Tikhon and I will be in charge.
MATFYEY
And what does he have to do with it?
PRIEST FEDOR
I'll pass. But I'll listen out of curiosity. Maybe I'll even agree.
ISAAC
Sure, please. There are no secrets in anything.
At the table in the Kandeyka, there are MATFYEY, also known as Kitty, the caretaker Tikhon himself, his servant HACKER, and of course, ISAAC. ISAAC is sitting in the most prominent seat, with his feet resting on the corner of the table next to a bottle of alcohol.
ISAAC
In our city, a new insurance company 'Albatross' has opened. And guess who the owner is?
