CHAPTER ONE
Adaptation of the novel "12 Chairs" by Ilf and Petrov. Russia, Chelyabinsk. Today.
Casino panorama. Holy Father Fyodor(45) is sitting at the card table in his cassock, with his sleeves rolled up to the elbows, and he is losing a large sum. The dealer DEALER continues the game.
DEALER
Your card is beat, Holy Father. Do we continue playing?
HOLY FATHER FYODOR
Yes. I'm betting on the cross. May God forgive me.
Holy Father Fyodor takes a gilded cross from his neck and puts it on the table. DEALER looks at the manager standing next to him. The manager nods his head vertically. DEALER begins to deal the cards. Holy Father Fyodor picks them up, looks at them with a frightened expression, and opens them. DEALER slowly takes one card from the deck and places it face up on top of the pop's cards.
DEALER
Your card is beaten again, Father Nshan.
DEALER takes the cross from the table and puts it in the drawer under the table.
DEALER (continuing)
Do we continue playing?
The priest takes off his church hat and wipes his face with it.
HOLY FATHER FYODOR
Yes. On credit.
DEALER
What as collateral?
HOLY FATHER FYODOR
My soul.
DEALER smirks displeased.
HOLY FATHER FYODOR (continuing)
Then a kidney. I'll sell it for an organ. I have a client. The rector.
DEALER shrugs his shoulders and looks at the manager in surprise. The manager waves his hand and goes to inspect the gambling hall. DEALER deals the cards. Pop loses again.
DEALER
Your card is beat again. When can you pay off your gambling debt?
HOLY FATHER FYODOR
(crying)
I've already lost everything, even the church land. God help me. Give me a sign, Father.
KITTYBOY works in an indoor market and sells bee honey, all the colors of the rainbow. Above his table is the sign: "Flower Honey". Woman approaches and looks at the colorful jars of honey. She takes a jar of blue honey.
KITTYBOY does not know, but he is the biological grandson of Ippolit Matveevich Vorobyaninov.
WOMAN
Is this honey?
KITTYBOY
Yes.
WOMAN
Why is it blue?
KITTYBOY
It's chicory honey. Its petals are blue.
WOMAN
And the yellow one is dandelion honey?
KITTYBOY
Yes, the color of the flowers determines the color of the honey. I have Australian bees.
GRANDMOTHER
He's lying. He's melting it in Vinokur's sugar-and-dog-fat-filled doghouse. And then he's painting it with Easter dye.
